Her Sweetness
Tranner's Treats / Upcoming Fundraisers
Welcome to Tannerville!!!
Tanner Christine Lusk
November 12, 1998 - September 19, 2007
Tanner was here with us for such a little time. But it was spoke of in Tanner's funeral, that it does not matter the day you were born or the date of your death but how you lived your life between the two. Tanner lived her life and touched so many along the way. Tanner had an amazing fight for life and that will live on with us forever.
One of my favorite pics of Tanner....Hopie wears those pjs now! Tanner's Journey: Tanner is an 8 year-old little girl that was diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma of her skull on May 19, 2003. She had a full tumor resection and removal of the left front section of her skull. She had surgery and completed 14 rounds of chemotherapy and 4 weeks of daily radiation at UCLA, Mattel Childrens Hospital in California. In November 2004, after 7 months in remission, Tanner relapsed with 6 lesions to the brain. UCLA gave us very little hope and stated that the tumors were out of reach surgically. We were told Tanner had five months to live. Through the internet we had met another strong child fighting Ewings Sarcoma in his skull, Jake Beresh www.caringbridge.org/ne/jakieboy . With the help from his wonderful family and the determination to never give up we drove to Omaha, Nebraska to seek treatment for Tanner. November 26, 2004, Tanner met with the doctors at Children's Hospital in Nebraska. December 17, 2004 Tanner had a biopsy of one of the tumors and a cranioplasty (to reshape her skull from the previous surgery). She also had 3 rounds of multiple chemotherapy to reduce the tumors in size. April of 2005, Tanner had Gamma Knife Radiation to all 6 lesions. Then on June 1, 2005 Tanner had a stem cell rescue at Univ. Of Nebraska Medical Center. After the stem cell rescue it was recommended that she have full brain and spine radiation to wipe out any remaining cancer cells. So in August of 2005 we went to Loma Linda Hospital in California, for Proton Radiation where Tanner had full brain and spine radiation daily for 3 1/2 weeks. After being cancer free for almost a year we moved to North Carolina to be closer to our family. On a routine scan in August 2006 another tumor was found around the 7th and 8th nerves (hearing and facial nerves). We knew that we needed to go back to Omaha, Nebraska and have Dr. Puccoini perform the surgery. Tanner had both hearing and facial nerves removed and was to start radiation therapy to the tumor bed that was right next to the brain stem. With a lot of problems getting radiation scheduled 2 months later another tumor grew at the tumor site. Tanner underwent her fourth brain surgery to remove the tumor and was out of the hospital within three days. Radiation started within a week from her surgery at the Nebraska Medical Center, to the tumor bed. Due to the radiation Tanner has had in the past this was high risk, she also started oral chemo at home. Shortly into her radiation treatment Tanner started to have some problems with her left eye, after a MRI was ordered a very small tumor was found on her optic tract on the left side of her brain. Radiation was than started to that tumor site as well and both sites were radiated everyday for 6 weeks. Tanner has completed her radiation on January 8th 2007 and she had a brain MRI and chest CT on January 22, 2007 and ALL scans were CLEAR!! Tanner continues her oral chemo and she has started some alternative meds. Protocel and Paw Paw. Tanner had brain and spine MRI on March 5th 2007 and no sign of cancer in Tanner's body. Tanner continued to do well and had no pain, but on a routine scan in May 2007, new tumors were found in the brain and the spine. Tanner did spot radiation to the tumor sites and had a couple of weeks of chemo. The tumors were not responding to the chemo and at that point the doctors felt that there was nothing more we could do for Tanner. Tanner has continued to do spot radiation to minimize her pain and symtoms of cancer. Tanner's cancer responds very well to radiation and we wanted to give her the opportunity to be pain free as long as we could. Tanner is no longer fighting cancer, Tanner passed away on September 19th 2007. We are now trying to deal with the loss of our little girl who fought so hard and so long. Please read below for current updates! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!
Click on this picture and any others in a blue frame to see more.
Please take the time to look at this link.....we need to help children with cancer. Help make a difference for kids with cancer. Spread the word....we need your help!!! Tuesday, June 1st 2010 We are still here and doing ok!!! So many things have changed......we have moved again!!! The kids will be starting a new school but they are excited and so far we love our new place. The biggest change is that Chris has joined the army...he lefted for MO on Wednesday for bootcamp. He will not be back until November of this year. Chris has really been struggling and work has been very slow for him. This was the best option at this time. It will be difficult but we all will make the best of it. We have many walks coming up...Tanner's Termites will be at the walk in Omaha this year so if you would like to join our team or make a donation please follow the link. http://curesearch.kintera.org/omaha/momtannertermites?faf=1&e=3436879672 We are also getting a CureSearch walk out here at the Rosebowl in October and I will post more info about it has I get it. We are also forming a team for a walk that we did last year at Magic Mountain to benefit Childrens Hospital in LA. Please email me if you are interested in any information about these walks. Thank you for continuing to check on our family. We miss Tanner everyday but I know we were blessed to be here family no matter how short the time was with her. We learned so much and I will continue to let her live in my heart. It does not fill the whole that I have for her but it helps me heal from all the pain. We miss baby!!! Love always, Marjorie Thursday, March 11th 2010 Wow.....it has been so long since I have updated!!! I am not sure where to start. Everyone is doing fine. Hope is loving school and doing so well. She has lost two teeth and does not want to give them to the tooth fairy, she wants to save them. She is a little hoarder!!! Brody is doing great, getting sooo big!!! He will start school next year. They both have started soccer....and love it!!!! Thank you Auntie April and Uncle Jeff for getting it for them for Christmas. Great gift!!! Chris and I are going day by day. Things are ok but are hearts seem to be broken....nothing will ever fill that hole that we feel everyday. We miss all our friends in Omaha....and all of our girls from the softball team. We love you girls!!!! Sorry such a short update, short on time but I will update soon with new pictures too!!! Thank you for always thinking of us!!! Please keep our friends in your thoughts and prayers as they approach their son Raymond's five years since he passed away. We will be with you on Saturday to honor your son Raymond. We love you!!! All our love, The Lusk family Wednesday, December 23rd 2009 Merry Christmas!!! I hope everyone has a wonderful day. Things have been busy around here. The kids have gone to Disneyland with Auntie Kelly and Lynn. They have been in two Christmas programs and enjoying the christmas lights and all the candy. They are missing the snow alot. They keep asking "When is it going to snow here??" Everyone is doing ok, the holidays are hard with out Tanner. I thought it would get easier but it really does not feel that way. Karen, Brody's teacher did a very nice thing in honor of Tanner. During the Christmas program she dedicated a song to Tanner and told all the other families who are so caught up in the holiday and who are so worried about buying the perfect gift, to stop and be thankful that their children are here and healthy. To value the time they have and not rush so much around the holidays. Thank you Miss Karen!!! We hope you all have a wonderful holiday!!! We will be having a much, much warmer Christmas this year. Merry Christmas!!! Wednesday, November 11th 2009 Tomorrow will be Tanner's 11th birthday. It is such a hard day, because what a wonderful day to remember and enjoy. All the excitment of planning the birthday party who to invite and what she wants for gifts. But now it is so hard not to have all of this to look forward to for her. Like all kids she loved her birthday!! I think about what she would want this year on her 11th birthday. Would she like different things, would she still love baseball. Its hard not to have her here, watching her grow, watching her change. Watching her with her brother and sister. I have been having a hard time with out her and the pain of her loss is still so deep. I want to hear her voice again. Hope, Brody and Grammie made her birthday cake today and we will take the day off tomorrow to enjoy the day together. So we are playing hookie, which Tanner loved!! We will have Aunt Deedee's Tanner pancakes, bacon and eggs. Watch some home videos and than go and play some putt putt putt golf and go carts. After that we found one of Tanner's favorite places to eat, "Buffalo Wild Wings" So we are going to pig out Tanner style, than enjoy her birthday cake which Hope and Brody are very excited about blowing out her candles. We are going to try our best to enjoy the day in honor of Tanner. We had a wonderful fundraiser her at work which raised over $1500.00 for CureSearch. Thank you so much for all your support!!!! I have such wonderful co-workers, and boss. Thank you!!!! Hope and Brody are doing GREAT!!! Hope received an award at school for reading, way to go Hopie we are sooo proud of you!!! Hope is making friends and loves going on playdates with her new friends. Brody is doing really well in pre-school with Mrs. Karen. He loves being with her and all of his new friends. We have to watch all the kids he plays with because he asked me the other day, "what is punk??? because some of the other boys at school were calling other boys that" So we have had to talk to him about listening to the other boys and the words they say. We miss all our wonderful friends in Omaha!! We love you guys!!! Thanks for checking in!! All our love, The Lusk Family Friday, September 18th 2009 I want to share with you an article I just received from Brett. Brett was the pitcher of the Bruins that took Tanner under his wing. It is perfect timing because we are going out to play softball in memory of Tanner and this article shows that her love of the game has not died, it still lives on in Brett's heart, and that he is still inspired by Tanner. Thank you so much Brett!!! It brought me to tears! http://www.facebook.com/l/11449;www.starbulletin.com/sports/20090809_life_in_the_minors.html "In it to win it, not afraid to fail, passion and strength and we will prevail, TANNER" this is the chant that the Bruins do and Tanner's softball team. Thank you guys for always remember our amazing little girl. Tuesday, September 15th 2009 The 19th of September will be 2 years with out our beautiful Tanner. We thought how would Tanner like us to remember her love of life? and the first thing that came to mind was SOFTBALL!!! We will be having a memorial softball game at Central Park, field 1 @ 3pm in Saugus California. We will have a balloon release to follow the game. This will be a family fun game, kids are welcome. We want to get together and celebrate Tanner's love of the game and life. Please wear any Tanner t-shirts that you have or we will have CureSearch t-shirts for sale for $10.00 each (all proceeds will go to CureSearch). Bring your glove and a bat if you have one and be ready to play ball!!! All our love, The Lusk Family Friday, September 11th 2009-We will never forget this day!! We will be thinking of all the families who lost their loved ones!! September is Childhood Cancer Awarness Month!! And the month we lost Tanner. We are raising money at my work for CureSearch. We have sold lots of cookies, thank you mom. I have made cards with Tanner's artwork, which we are selling. Thank you Dr. Kaufman, his wife Helene, Lisa, and Deb for all your help. We are also doing a weekly raffle, all items donated by local business. We also have t-shirts that were especially designed for CureSearch, thank you Danielle, you have such a great heart. So far we have raised over $450.00 for CureSearch!!!! We will never stop fighting for a cure for childhood cancer. Tanner fought to the end and so will we. My work has been so supportive and willing to do anything to raise awareness about childhood cancer, THANK YOU!!! We are going away this weekend on a beach camping trip, thank you Deb and Steve!! We are due for some nice, quality family time. Life has not been easy and we are really trying to stay focused as a family and focus on each other, this is long overdue. We are looking forward to the beach, playing games and campfires with lots of smores!!! The kids are very excited and can't wait to sleep in a tent, mom and dad on the other hand are really missing the RV. It will be an adventure to say the least. September 19th will be two years with out Tanner. I am lost......I don't know how we got here, how we have come this far with out her. Everyday I think about her amazing smile and laugh. I think of what she would be like. What she would be doing with her friends. How 5th grade would be for her. So many what if's, so many dreams. I miss my daughter, I miss my amazing little girl, who gave me so much strength, joy, love and attitude. Chris is doing a little better right now but he is just now started to deal with her loss, he has so many unanswered questions. Hope and Brody have been watching home videos a lot lately and Hope brings her family picture to school everyday for comfort. Just yesterday I took her to school and Hope was having a hard time leaving me. The yard duty (the person at recess for the people in Omaha) said to Hope, "Lets get your picture out so you can hold it". I don't think you can ever put into words how you feel because it just does not seem to make sense. I remember sitting in my closet in Omaha after they told me there is nothing more they can do, it was my quiet spot. I could not even imagine a day with out her......now two years!!! Not sure about what to do on the 19th of September, but I can guess what Tanner would want us to do. PLAY Softball!!! So on Saturday early evening we are going to play softball, not sure what park at this time, but if anyone is interested in playing in a game to honor OUR favorite player you are welcome to join us. I will post where and what time soon. We will also be releasing balloons to Tanner as well. Please email me if you would like to be involved cmthb@hotmail.com Tanner was always up for a neighborhood game of softball. We love you and miss you BIG much baby!! Please keep Paige in your prayers she will be going home soon to Omaha, she has been gone a long time for treatment. Happy 10th birthday Paige!!! Love, Marjorie Sunday, July 26th 2009 HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOPE!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!! Sorry for the lack of updates. We are doing ok but we have been forced to deal with so many issues that we have put on the back burner for a long time. One day at a time and try not to get to far ahead of ourselves. I will have lots to update soon. I have posted new pictures of Hope's 6th birthday party, cherry picking on father's day, and the pediatric cancer walk we did at Magic Mountain. We miss all our friends in Omaha and we are thinking of you daily. All our love, The Lusk family Friday, June 5th 2009 Good Luck Tanner's Termites!!! I wish I could be there with all of you!!! WAY TO GO TEAM!!! Here is Susie's website for her wonderful pillow cases that we all love, including Tanner, they were her favorite!! http://susielooneycreations.squarespace.com/ 100% of the will go to CureSearch. Look at the website for colors and patterns and than email Susie to order. Wish I was there!! Love, Marjorie Tuesday, June 3rd 2009 I wanted to thank everyone who has joined Tanner's Termites team to walk for CureSearch this weekend in Omaha. I also wanted to thank everyone who has made a donation in her memory. We are so greatful for all of your support. Good Luck to all the other teams at the walk this year, we will MISS you!!! Love, Marjorie Sorry for the lack in updates, we are slowly getting settled into our new home. We are adjusting well but we are always thinking how Tanner would love to be home here with us. There are so many memories of Tanner here, which is very nice. We would take Hope and Brody to Tanner's favorite park, place to eat and or course her favorite ice cream place, Baskin Robbins!!!! They love hearing all our stories and always ask how old Tanner was and if she had hair. Brody talks about Tanner all the time and loves to watch Tanner movies (home movies). Hope likes to watch them too but is more emotional about missing Tanner. Everyday is a struggle and we miss and think about her constantly, but I don't think it gets easier, we just have to believe that we will be with her someday. I have to try and live my life with out Tanner, with her in my heart and soul. And I think she will shrine through me. We are also still raising money for CureSearch for Tanner's team so please view the website and donate, anything you can do will help bring us closer to finding a cure. Tanner's Termites needs your HELP.......we would like to get closer to our goal, so please visit the website http://host.curesearch.org/site/TR/Walk/Milestones?team_id=5230&pg=team&fr_id=1240&et=q6JUgOI_RGgqrTdoOoY9Ug..&s_tafId=5303 "Reach the Day" that we will have a cure for childhood cancer!!! Help save childrens lives! I have loaded lots of new photos from when we left Omaha, Mother's Day at Ventura Beach and a wonderful visit from our friends in Omaha, the Burmoods!!! It was great to see this wonderful family. Campbell, Hope loved seeing you and all the proposals included! Have a GREAT long weekend!! Love, Marjorie April 13th 2009 Tanner's Day has been changed to 4/14/09 @ 3pm baseball fields off interstate 80. They did a wonderful tribute to Tanner on KAT 103.7 today......Thank you!!! Susie Looney will be making her wonderful pillow cases again this year. If you would like one please send her an email @ sblooney@cox.net The pillow cases are $15.00 each, proceeds will go to Tanner's Termites for the CureSearch walk on June 6th. Lots of different designs for boys and girls. VERY CUTE!!! April 10th 2009 Well, Hope and I are in California and enjoying the warm weather. We miss our friends in Omaha!!! I started my new job and things are going well. It was nice to see so many familiar faces and to have all of their support. It is hard to go back to the day to day life but it is doing me some good. I miss Tanner with all my heart but I know she is always with me, she is in my soul. People have a hard time talking about her or asking me how I am doing because they do not want to make me cry or feel bad, but what most don't understand is that she is constantly on my mind and in my heart. I don't just feel bad when people ask, it just makes me let down my guard a little........and than I start to cry. I will always have that pain, living with out her but I will never have regret for what a wonderful daughter and best friend she will always be to me. I love you so much bub!!! Chris and Brody are still in Omaha and should be coming to California very soon. We are missing them very much!!! Thank you to Tanner's softball team for all of their wonderful support for Coach Chris. He loves all of you very much and it is going to be very hard for him to leave you girls. It does not replace Tanner but it does give him a part of what Tanner would be doing, how she would be growing into a wonderful young lady. Thank you all for keeping Tanner part of the team. It means so much to all of us....but it makes Chris very proud to be apart of a great group of girls, THANK YOU!!!! Good Luck with your new season, we will miss you very much!!! The Belluevue Bruins will be having their Third Annual Tanner's Day on April 13th @ 3pm at the baseball fields off Interstate 80. Chris and Brody will be throwing out the first pitch in honor of Tanner and her love of baseball. The Bruins will be selling goodies, all proceeds will go to Tanner's Termites for the CureSearch walk on June 6th in Omaha. We would love to see you out there. Thank you Bruins, you guys are the best!!!! We are also raising money for CureSearch for Tanner's team so please view the website and donate, anything you can do will help bring us closer to finding a cure. Tanner's Termites need a lot of HELP.......we are way behind our goal, so please visit the website http://host.curesearch.org/site/TR/Walk/Milestones?team_id=5230&pg=team&fr_id=1240&et=q6JUgOI_RGgqrTdoOoY9Ug..&s_tafId=5303 Please keep our friend Paige Linder in your prayers, this wonderful little girl has relapsed for the third time. We are thinking about all of you and hoping you will get out of the hospital very soon. Have a GREAT Easter!!!! Easter was Tanner's favorite holiday and it will be very difficult, she loved getting money in her eggs.....and she loved the hunt for all the eggs. We will keep it pretty low key but we will try and enjoy the day. We will have our family easter when Chris and Brody are here with us. We love you and thank you for your continued support!! Love, Marjorie March 8th 2009 Hi everyone, we are at it again. Tanner's Termites are raising money for the Milestone CureSearch walk to conquer kids' cancer on June 6th at Village Point @ 9am in Omaha, Nebraska. If you would like to join Tanner's Termites for the first time or walk with us again please sign up online at the link below. This year there is a $10 registration fee for walkers. Everyone who is walking needs to register. If you are unable to walk but would like to make a donation please also log onto the link below and support Tanner's team. Anything you can do will help in finding a cure. Please email your friends and familes to help raise money and awarness for CureSearch. We have some more big news......We are moving back to California!!! We love Omaha and the wonderful memories we have here with Tanner but it is also very hard to move on here with out her. Moving is not going to take away our pain but it will help give us a new start. If Tanner was alive and well today we know she would want to move back to California. Omaha will always be a home to us but at this point we are ready to make a new start. We will still raise money for CureSearch with Tanner's Termites in Omaha. Tanner has touched so many lives here and we will continue to have a team in her honor. It will be very hard to leave our home, friends, memories here in Omaha but for Chris and I to try to heal and make a new start with our family it is time to figure out what is best for us. All my love, Marjorie February 10th 2009 Congratulations Auntie Kelly!!!! She passed her exam to be a registered nurse. Auntie Kelly will be a pediatric nurse at UCLA. We are so proud of you and we know Tanner would be very proud of you as well. I am sure she would have given you a few pointers on how to be a GREAT nurse. But she knows you already will be!! Auntie Kelly will be working close to another one of Tanner's favorite nurses, Nurse Barb!! Thank you Kelly for always being there for our family and Tanner. But also for letting Tanner touch your heart and wanting to make a difference with other kids and families just like so many nurses have done with us. We love you!!! Love, Marjorie February 5th 2009 WE MISS YOU TANNER!!!! January 13th 2008 Here is a link to a video from KETV that I had not seen in a long time. I love to hear Tanner's voice, it makes me cry, smile, and wish I could hear her again. Hope you enjoy!! http://www.ketv.com/station/9957248/detail.html clink on the video link below Tanner's picture! January 10th 2009 Brody turned four years old on Wednesday the 7th. We had a little birthday party for him last night. He had so much fun and loved his new toys (Batman and Spiderman). Susie made Brody his very own Super Hero BRODY cape, with a Bumpie "B" on the back. Thank you for coming to his party and making his day special. Time has gone so fast! Four years ago seems so long ago but I can remember every second. Chris and Tanner were sitting in Children's Hospital, she had ZERO ANC. I was across the street at Methodist hospital giving birth to Brody with Aunt Deedee by my side, Hope was at the Beresh's. We had been in Omaha for one month, bought a house, Tanner had her second brain surgery, first round of chemo (in Omaha), our new friends (strangers at the time) moving our stuff into our new home and a snow storm of course. Boy was life CRAZY!!! Something was always happening, there was never a dull moment around here. Now you can see why we don't sweat the small stuff because we are so used to dealing with the large things ALL at once. You just learn to roll with the punches. When I look back on those times I do not remember stress or being overwhelmed. I remember it somehow all working out and having one of our best Christmas' with our borrowed little Christmas tree and having someone elses furniture because ours had not yet arrived. There was stress and very hard times but that is not what I remember. Like I said in my previous post, I would not trade the last four years of heartache, stress, sadness, moving to the tundra (Nebraska) for anything. There was so much more love, kindness, support, snuggle time (it being so COLD) and fun with our kiddos. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRODY BOY, we love you BIG much!!! I can see Tanner just rubbing your head now and saying how handsome you are, BUCKY!!! Love, Marjorie January 8th 2009 I have good intentions to update Tanner's site but sometimes I feel like there is no point, she is no longer here to update about. For some reason people what to know how we are doing. Maybe to see how we can go on living with out our daughter. I am asked quite often "how are you doing?" and to be honest I don't know, do you give the quick answer of "oh I am ok" and move on or do you pour your heart out, burst out in tears and say how much it hurts, how you long to hold her hand, smell her skin, look into her eyes and know that the world could sit on your shoulders and you could pick it up for her. But now you can't seem to pay a bill, make dinner, plan a birthday, sleep or get any where on time (ok I NEVER did that). You lose part of you! Not the ability to do things but part of your heart, the desire to make it all work. I went to two funerals on Monday. One for our friends the Timmons, her mother Kathy passed away from cancer at 58 years old. A sweet loving mom and grandmother who wanted to continue to be strong for everyone else. Chandra told her mom to stop fighting and to let go so that she can join Tanner in heaven, and to tell Tanner how much they and her parents love and miss her. Thank you Chandra, I know your mom will be a great grandma to Tanner. The second one was for a little boy Issac, 8 1/2 years old who passed away from cancer. What a cute little boy, who two years thru his treatment was asked to write a story about a bad day. But he said he had nothing to write because he had NEVER had a bad day. AMAZING!!! I was asked after the funeral how I got thur this. The only way I could explain it was that we did not lose Tanner suddenly, yes the loss is HUGE but for us it happened over four 1/2 years. Tanner was a normal four year old, eager to start kindergarten, played t-ball with long beautiful hair, tan skin and big brown eyes. We had not a care in the world. The next thing I knew she has a large mass eating through her skull. Your focus changes, no longer is kindergarten, t-ball, going to work, paying your bills, re-organizing your closets no longer your priority. Brain surgeries, radiation, chemo, fevers, infections, hospitals, shots, all of this became our new normal. So your innocent little girl who was so eager to start kindergarten is now bald, grey, getting shots to increase her white count(by you) wearing a mask in public, has a central line coming out of her chest for chemo, blood transfusion and multiple hospital stays and WAY to many close calls. But her eyes, all we had to do was look into those BIG brown eyes and we knew, we knew we could could get thru anything!!! As a parent you lose those future goals of graduation from grade school, losing her first toothe, having a boyfriend to now just making it 3 months to her next scans. We always thought we could lose her at any time. We never planned it but it was always there at every surgery, scan, infection and nightmare. For us we slowing lost our daughter over 4 1/2 years. We cried and cried, we were scared and worried, our heart was always in our throats, but some how we became stronger. What scared us to our core in the beginning was just another day at clinic by the end. I am stronger today. Not because I wanted to, because we have been dealing with the possiblity of dealth for Tanner for so long. It does not make her loss any easier but it dose make me stronger. I miss her more than I can even say. Instead of losing your child instantly to a car accident (not any easier) but the shock value is less, if that makes any since. We did not have Tanner (totally normal) and the next day gone. She was slowly slipping away from us everyday. I would have to say, I would not trade the four 1/2 years for anything. Tanner taught me so much more, important things like love, patience, trust, kindness and compassion and how to live. We lived !!! Not about paying bills, going to work or bed times, but having fun. So now after living for the moment, living to see those BIG brown eyes we have to find a new way with out those eyes for strength. We are stronger much stronger than we were at the beginning. But now we have this hole in our hearts that was once filled with this amazing child, that could get us thur the worst of times. I know she is still in there but its finding a new way that is hard, a different way. We will live Tanner just like you taught us. I am strong because of you and I will continue to be strong because of you. I love you sweet baby!!! I will always look into Hope and Brody's BIG brown eyes and think of how you made things so easy, so wonderful. Thank you for checking on us, thank you for caring. Love, Marjorie December 24th 2008 Merry Christmas!!! All our love, The Lusk Family November 30th 2008 Tanner you are in my heart today and everyday. I try to imagine what you would be doing today for my birthday. You always kept your dad in line and made sure he was doing something GREAT. You would make me breakfast and of course share a coffee with me. I miss you coming to cuddle with me in the morning and playing with my hair. You were so thoughtful and wanted to make the best day for me on my birthday. I miss your smile, your heart and your touch. Today I will think of how special you made feel. I love you Big Much!! Your mom forever and ever!!! November 12th 2008 HAPPY 1OTH BIRTHDAY TANNER!!!! We love you and miss you Tan!!! Thank you for all your wonderful birthday messages for our family and for Tanner. Today is such a happy day when Tanner entered this world. I can remember it like it was yesturday. She loved to hear the story over and over again of how the doctor placed her on my belly and than she pooped on me. She would laugh and say "tell me again." I miss her laugh and her funny faces but TODAY we will remember her birth and all of her wonderful birthday celebrations. Hope and Brody are very excited today for Tanner's birthday!! They keep singing her Happy Birthday!! They miss their big sissy. Thank you Auntie, Uncle Jeff, Zach and Maddie for the beautiful roses for Tanner, Hope and Brody. Thank you to our wonderful friends who have donated toys, art canvas', art supplies and pillow cases in memory of Tanner to the oncology clinic. Tanner loved to give and the kids on the floor will love all the wonderful treats. Thank you Vicki and Lou for the gifts for Hope and Brody and the Tanner gift yet to be opened. Our friends the McCoys are having a fundraiser in Valencia, California at Robeks for their beautiful daughter Meghan tonight. www.caringbridge.org/visit/meghanmccoy Please stop by and show your support!! We love you and wish we could be there with you!! Thank you, Jeannie for remembering Tanner on her birthday! Happy birthday Tanner and I will tell Hope and Brody the funny story of your birth baby girl, I LOVE YOU BIG MUCH!!! All my love, Marjorie November 8th 2008 It has been a while since I have updated. Sorry!!! Times are hard and the pain of Tanner being gone is no easier. My friend Michelle bought me this magnet that is so perfect, it says "Pretending to be a normal person day-after-day is exhausting." You put on this happy face and deal with your normal day to day things but in your heart there is so much pain. I know that Tanner would say, "Stop being a cry baby mom, you can do this." My mind says one thing but my heart says otherwise. I know this will take time and in time we will learn to live with the pain better. Tanner's 10th birthday is coming up the 12th of November. We are keeping it very mellow. That is very different for us because we always did BIG parties for her birthday because we never knew when it would be her last. We even did a BIG party last year but this year seems even harder. We will be taking some small gifts up to the oncology clinic for other kids battling cancer but after that just some cake and ice cream for Tanner's 10th birthday. Tanner loved giving and that is what we want to do in her honor. Tanner planned the lemonade stand, gave out gift cards and did that for other kids in need. Last year we gave toys, arts and crafts to UNMC Radiation dept in her memory. That seems to be the only way we know how to carry on her love of giving to others. 10 is such a milestone for kids, double digits. I know this would have been very cool in Tanner's eyes to have reached this milestone. I love you baby and wish you the best 10 year old birthday party in heaven. I know you will do it BIG!!! Please view www.kidsmiraclefoundation.org for your holiday shopping. They will be sending all monies raised to help find a cure for childhood cancer. Another thing that you can do over the holiday season is to donate blood. American Red Cross can always use your help to save lives and not to mention help all the kids who need blood to get through their chemo treatments. Keep our friends Meghan in California www.caringbridge.org/visit/meghanmccoy and Kathy in your prayers as they continue to battle cancer and all the side effects from the treatment. We love you both and your always in our hearts!!! We had a wonderful visit from Vicki and Lou from New York. It was nice to spend time with all of you and your family. Thank you for including us!! Tanner brought us together and I know that she would enjoy your love and friendship like all of us do. THANK YOU!! Happy Birthday Aunt Deedee!! I know this year will be very hard with out you here. Tanner and Aunt Deedee have shared their bithday celebration and last year with out Tanner, Aunt Deedee was here to celebrate. Love you!! All my love, Marjorie October 14th 2008 Things have been pretty quiet around here, not much going on. Hope and Brody are doing great in school and really enjoy being with their friends. Hope has been playing ball a lot with Chris and the team at practice and she really enjoys it. She loves being around the big girls and all of them make her feel very special. Chris said that Hope has really gotten into it and sometimes he looks over at her and sees a little Tanner out there fielding the balls. Hope is really doing well and loves being a part of the team. I started going to a support group with parents who have lost a child to cancer. It is nice to have a group of people to share your thoughts and feelings with. Everyone is very supportive and it is wonderful to hear about all of their amazing children. The kids have fall break at school this week so we are going to Papa's and Mar's for a couple of days. We are looking forward to spending time with all of them and having some special time with baby Eddie of course. Hope is telling everyone that she is going to see her cousin, baby Eddie. They are also very excited about their pumpkins that Papa grew for them. The last time we were there Brody named three pumpkins in Papa's garden, Tanner, Hope and Brody. So they are ready to bring them home and carve faces into them. It will be nice to get away. We are asking for prayers for a dear friend who is battling cancer. Bailey and Alexis (Tanner's friends) grandma Kathy is fighting cancer and could use our prayers. We love you, Kathy!! I would also like to share a website with you www.kidsmiraclefoundation.org Please help by purchasing or donating to this cause. Kids Miracle Foundation network of products and services consist of more then 400+ stores to help fight this disease which includes all major retail stores such as Disney, Toys "R" Us, Gamefly, Netflix, Sony, Macy's, and many others to choose from. Simply click on "Shop Online Icon" and will give a gift of life to our children's across the globe...80% of the proceeds from the online sales will go directly to Kids Miracle Foundation to support cancer research centers and families across the country. When you do your online purchasing for this holiday season, log onto this site and help raise money for cancer research. Thanks for checking in on us. Please keep all the kiddos that are still fighting cancer and for the families who continue to battle the loss of their amazing children. Love, Marjorie September 26th 2008 One year has come and gone with out Tanner physically here. She is always with us and constantly in our daily thoughts and conversations. Time has gone so fast with out her here and we miss her so much. Everyday is hard but thursday the 18th was much harder for me. The time frame of the day was so haunting. The last words that she spoke to me, her struggling to catch her breath, and the last time I looked into her eyes. It is so hard. The images don't go away. The 19th was a wonderful way to celebrate Tanner's life. Her love of friends, family and hanging out together. We had such a great outcome for the balloon release. My sister April came out from California, the Bellevue Bruins team was here, and so many wonderful friends that loved Tanner so much. It means a lot to have so many people who love and care for our family and for keeping Tanner's memory alive. The night let us focus on good times and being surrounded by so many people. Thank you, to everyone who celebrated Tanner's life with us and came together for our daughter. Many other family and friends did a balloon release in honor of Tanner. THANK YOU, for taking the time to remember Tanner. Please view all the new pictures to see the many balloon release's. It means so much to know that Tanner is still in your hearts, so again Thank you!! Happy Birthday to Papa and Auntie Kelly, we love you!! Give blood and help save a life!! Marjorie September 9th 2008 Tanner has almost been gone one year. So how does it still seem so unreal?? I know that must sound so weird because we watched her battle for her life, we watched her suffer, we watched our daughter die. But at the same time she was so full of life and determination. Tanner is strongest person I know. We have so many pictures of her so full of life, ready to tackle anything that was ahead of her. How?? how has the strongest person I know die? how has this become our life? how are we going to be whole again? I miss her more than I can even express. Our little girl will forever be a memory. Not here to make memories with her family. Still so hard for me to understand. Hope and Brody are amazing and I love being their mom but sometimes it is hard to feel complete. We still go on with our daily life, school, zoo, work, family trips and so on. We continue to include Tanner in all of that. We talk about her and how she played things with Hope and Brody. What she would like or not like. Its healing for us and it helps Hope and Brody able to ask question and talk about her all they want. I am very thankful for the both of them, they bring us lots of joy and many laughs. Our family and friends in California will be having a balloon release in memory of Tanner on September 19th @ 7pm. It will be at Canyon Country Park (where Tanner played t-ball) at 17615 W. Soledad Cyn Rd. Please remember our friend Jessie (radiation momma) as she gets ready to run the 1/2 marathon in Maui to raise money for CureSearch. Please view her link at http://www.active.com/donate/csathletics/jessilaine My niece Madison Reimers has cut her hair for the second time and given it to Locks of Love to make wigs for children who have lost their hair. Way to go Maddie!!! We are so proud of you!! Thank you for keeping Tanner in your hearts!! All of her family and friends will continue to keep Tanner's spirit alive!! Love, Marjorie September 5th 2008 Just a quick update: On Friday September 19th we are doing a balloon release at 8pm at our house but please know that if you are unable to make it to our house or the balloon release in California that you can do it anywhere!!! It does not matter the time, please do it when ever you want to that day. This is something that we are doing for Tanner, so if it is your family in your front yard sending something special to her, that is wonderful!! I would love photos to post on her website. Please email me at cmthb@hotmail.com This is going to be a very hard day but I would love to honor her in this way. I will also post time and place for the California release soon. Thank you again Kip and Abby for the t-shirt design everyone loves it!! Have a good weekend, Marjorie September 2nd 2008 Well, I have put off updating long enough. It has been something that I have been thinking about but just don't know what to say. I feel like I say the same thing over and over again. There is no way to put into words how we feel. We don't understand and don't know how we have gotten up every morning without her here. I heard someone say the other day, not to me (thank goodness) that going thru a divorce is so miserable that it should just kill you. And I know people deal with things so differently but I guess you think that the pain of losing a child would kill you....... but it clearly does not. I went to dinner with Anisa the other day, which was very nice. Thank you!!! The nurses and techs become your family, people you see every day, people you share so much with. After a wonderful dinner at Hector's, one of our favorite's, Anisa and I sat and talked for a long time. I was telling her how the memories have been very hard for me the last couple of weeks. You try so hard to remember all the positive and wonderful times, but these past weeks and weeks to follow I can remember every single moment so clear. I don't want to remember these days. I re-live them in my mind. Tanner was always so tough and strong but these last couple of weeks....... it was clearly a little girl who was so tried of this long battle. She was still very stubborn till the very end. Refused ER visits, needed Anisa at all hours, even getting out of bed the day before she passed away when she hadn't in days and insisting to her dad she wanted Rootbeer (even if she threw it up). It is part of the "first" of things that is very hard, but this has been the hardest for me. The time passes and the memories are bad at this time. I WILL live thru it, and tomorrow is a new day but it sucks. As most of you know September is Childhood Cancer Awarness month. Please view www.curesearch.org to view different things you can do or support in your community. We have another wonderful friend Jessi. She was one of Tanner's radiation tech's, which Tanner called "Radiation Mama" which meant while she was in radiation Jessi was her mama. Very Tanner!!! Jessi (radiation mama) will be running a 1/2 marathon in Maui in Memory of Tanner. She has started a Cure Search Athlete's donation page. She is asking for $10.00 donations and hoping to raise $2000.00. Please stop by her page at http://www.active.com/donate/csathletics/jessilaine Thank you Jessi !!! We will be having an "Open house" on Friday, September 19th from 6:30pm until ??? to honor Tanner's life and how she lived. Chris and I were not sure what to do that day. We thought about lying in bed and just letting the day pass but that was not Tanner's style. Everytime Tanner had a big surgery or a relapse, we would ask her what she wanted to do? And everytime she would say, "I want people to come over and eat and have a pineta". So that is what we decided to do. You are welcome to come by, hang out and be with Tanner's friends and family who miss her very much. We are having a balloon release at 8:00pm. We will be writing messages to Tanner on the balloons. We are also asking any friends and families if they would like to do a balloon release we could do it at the same time. Grammie in California will be having a get together and will do a balloon release at 6:00pm. And on the east coast they are doing a balloon release at 9:00pm. Please take pictures of your release and email them to me at cmthb@hotmail.com I would love to post them. I am also having some t-shirts made that will be very cute...."not cute cool mom" Tanner would say. Kip and Abby who made Tanner Termite shirts have put together a VERy Cool shirt in honor of Tanner. I will be posting a picture very soon and if you would like one please email me. Not sure of the cost yet. Hope and Brody had their first day of school and they were so very excited. Brody is in Hope's old class room, which makes it very nice for him. Hope also had her first day of dance class, VERY excited. Thank you Darrow's and Abels for the wonderful dance clothes and shoes, Hope loved them. I am not sure if she was more excited about the clothes or the class??? We had a nice weekend in Illinois at Papa's and Mar's. Brody had been there for a week with them and had a great time. He went fishing, built a swing, mowed the lawn, did some gardening and hung out with his papa. It was very hard for Hope and I to let him go, we really missed him a lot. Baby Eddie had his first birthday party and we were glad we could be there for that. He has gotten so big and such a cutie. Poor little guy gets mauled with them around. They love Baby Eddie!!! Sorry Eddie, they are always going to call you baby Eddie. They also did a balloon release for Tanner at Papa and Mar's house. One balloon for Eddie and one for Tanner. Thank you guys, Tanner would have loved that!! Sorry for such a long update. I guess if I updated more they wouldn't be so long. And I thought I had nothing to say.....yah right. Happy belated birthday Grandma, we love you!! and please keep our friend Meghan in your prayers, her little body is starting to feel the effects of chemo www.caringbridge.org/visit/meghanmccoy Lot of love, Marjorie Tuesday, August 19th 2008 Sorry so long to update. The day we got home our computer had a melt down. We are slowly getting things back together. I have tried to update the site twice this week and have lost it both times.....very frustrating. We had a good time in California. It was nice to see our friends and families but it was very hard to be there with out Tanner. It was hard to go into our old neighborhood. To remember all her birthdays at the park, walking to the pool or playing handball on the garage door. So many wonderful memories....bittersweet. I would not trade them for the world but right now the pain is deep. I know that she would have had a great time. Hope and Brody did, they loved all the swimming. Hope now swims pretty well on her own. Hope said her favorite part of the trip was at Auntie's house when everyone yelled "SURPISE" at her birthday party, which was not a surpise party. Very Cute!!! Thank you Reimer's family and Auntie Kelly for the great five year old birthday party. Thank you Grammie and Aunt Janice for the very cool birthday cakes, they were the best. I would like to share with you a wonderful family here in Omaha that has been impacted by Tanner's life. The Snowdardt's have started a fundraising page with Cure Search. Chris Snowdardt has entered the Cedar Rapids 1/2 Iron man in Iowa on August 17th. He is collecting donations on his Cure Search page in honor of our sweet Tanner. He was impressed by her strength, courage and her amazing fight for life. Chris promises he will do whatever it takes to finish this race, just like Tanner did in her life. Chris finished the race at 7 hours and 12 minutes. That is GREAT!!! Way to Go Chris!! Thank you so much for all your hard work for Tanner and all kids with cancer that continue to fight this horrible disease. It takes people like you to raise awarness and funds to beat childhood cancer. Thank you Snowdart family!!! Please take the time to view his page and make a donation of any size in honor of his fight to help find a cure for childhood cancer. Her strength, compasion and love, I miss every single day. Her smile, touch and holding her in my arms I ache for every single day. I miss my daughter, my best friend and my strength. The time has gone so fast but so slow at the same time. I am not sure how we have come this far. When we were battling cancer if you would have asked me how we would live with out Tanner? I would have told you that there is no way, no way we would make it. I could not imagine one night with out her and now it almost been a year. We fought so hard for so long that some where along the way we were given some of Tanner's strength. Some of her fight to live even with the pain, we are living. Love, Marjorie Tuesday, August 5th 2008 Hello everyone...this is Auntie Kelly from California! The Lusk family left today to go back to Omaha. It was so great to have them back home and so sad to see them leave again. I spoke to Marj a few hours ago and they were in Utah...so their ETA in Omaha will be tomorrow evening! We had a very busy week. We celebrated Hope's 5th birthday at Auntie April's and Uncle Jeff's house (It was a princess party! So COOL!) We did a lot of swimming and had a great time at the aquatic center. Hope and Brody are both doing great in the water...little fishies! We spent 2 days in Santa Barbara, which was definitely bitter sweet. Last year Marj and I took the kids to Santa Barbara and Tanner had so much fun. It was hard to be there again without her but she was there in our hearts and she is always on our minds. The kiddos loved the beach and we got to see Janet, Tatum and Simon! We also celebrated Chris's birthday...he got a new tattoo while he was here (check out the picture on the photo page.) Happy Birthday Chris! All in all we had a really great time and I think the Lusks had a nice vacation (and they even left with a tan!) Marjorie will update soon...I'm sure I left out a few things (sorry -I'm new at this!) For now - check out all the cool new pics! Bye! Love, Auntie Kelly Wednesday, July 16th 2008 Things have been ok around here. Hope has been going to summer camp and loves seeing all of her friends. Hope and Brody can't wait to start school in August. They are both more social than Tanner was. Tanner took time to warm up to people but Hope and Brody will go with anyone and love to be around people. Hope will be turning 5 years old soon, July 24th...HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOPIE!!!!! Auntie April, Uncle Jeff, and Auntie Kelly will be throwing a wonderful birthday party for Hope in California. Thank you guys! We will be going to California to see our family and friends. We will also enjoy some family fun at the beach. The beach was one of Tanner's favorite places, she was able to enjoy some time there in April 2007. We are looking forward to spending time together as a family. Thank you all for your prayers for the McCoy family and their beautiful daughter Meghan. They have started a caringbridge site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/meghanmccoy Please visit their site and send your kind words as they begin to travel a very long and uncertain rode ahead of them. Tell them Tanner sent you!! I also wanted to share with you a wonderful story that Julie Cornell wrote. Julie is the news anchor for KETV news here in Omaha. She will be leaving as anchor to be home with her children. Julie wrote a story in her farewell and in that story she wrote about Tanner and how she touched her life and many others. Here is the link: http://www.ketv.com/news/16859406/detail.html Thank you Julie!!! We want to welcome Aiden Jacob Looney!!! He is healthy and very cute! Hope and Brody can't wait to see him. They have been kissing Susie's belly (baby) goodbye for awhile now. I know that Tanner would think he is so handsome and would love to rub his head. Congrats Looney Family!!! Every day continues to be a struggle but.....somehow you just learn to live with the constant ache in your heart. Some days it is much greater. There is ALWAYS someone missing. Motivation continues to be hard, but it really helps to be around friends to keep your mind busy. But sometimes even that requires too much effort. We miss your energy Tanner; we miss your strength and your amazing personality. I can still hear her say, "Don't worry mom, I am ok, I got it." I miss my sunshine!!! Thank you all for the wonderful emails with words of encouragement and love. Please continue to pray for all the kiddos fighting this horrible disease and for all of the families trying to live with a broken heart. The Lusk Family We are asking for lots of prayers for our friends the Mcoy's in California. Their daughter Meghan is in the hospital with a massive tumor surrounding her kidney and other organs. She also has a spot on her other kidney and her spine. Meghan has Wilms Tumor stage 5. This wonderful 3 year old girl needs all of our prayers. Her family is in shock and they are taking one moment at a time. Please send all your love and prayers their way!! I will keep you updated as we here new information. Thank you, the Lusk Family
As most of you know we have moved back to California, so our fundraising efforts have not been as successful. We will NEVER stop fighting for a cure for childhood cancer, in HONOR of Tanner.
Our plan was to come back to Omaha for the walk this year but we are not going to be able to do so. It will be very hard to miss out on this wonderful and emotional event, but please know our hearts our with Tanner's Termites and our wonderful friends walking for her. If you would like to walk or have not signed up to walk please do so at the link. http://host.curesearch.org/site/TR/Walk/Milestones?team_id=5230&pg=team&fr_id=1240&et=q6JUgOI_RGgqrTdoOoY9Ug..&s_tafId=5303
Susie Looney will be Tanner's Termites team captain, Thank you Susie!!! Please email her if you have any question at sblooney@cox.net Please turn in any checks you have to her friday before the walk, June 5th. Please put Tanner's Termites in the memo section of your check. Registration will begin @ 7:45am so it will be very important for Susie to have all your info. In order to get your prizes based on how much you raised she must have that the night before in order to get the prize to you. The team shirts have not changed so please wear the same as last year. There will be bandanas for everyone to wear, GREEN is for friends of a child who has cancer.
I can't thank you all enough for your support you have given our family and this wonderful event. I am so sorry that I will not be able to attend this year but please now my heart will be there.
May 21, 2009
As you know Tanner battled pediatic cancer for over 4 1/2 years. Tanner showed strength and courage everyday of her life. When she passed away on September 19th 2007 our life, our hearts and our minds have been changed forever. I would like to never think about cancer again, what it did to Tanner, and how it took her from us, but I can't! We have seen our own daughter suffer and die from this disease. We see her friends and so many other kids have to endure many treatments to try and save their life. We have seen some success but to many children are dying and suffering from cancer. Pediatic cancer took our daughter from us and we NEED to do what ever we can to help other families stay together. We need your help in finding a cure.
Thank you in advance for any donation that you can do.
Thank you for your support.
All our welcome to come!!! Please feel free to bring your own picnic dinner or even a special balloon to release in honor of Tanner.
If you able to attend or have any question please contract my mom Linda @ colinda_1@hotmail.com or Kelly @ kelilou@yahoo.com.
If you are unable to attend feel free to do your own balloon release in Tanner's memory. Please take pictures and email to me at cmthb@hotmail.com to post on Tanner's website.
http://www.active.com/donate/csathletics/snowardt
A year ago today we were in Illinois fishing with papa. Aunt Jessie was pregnant with baby Eddie and Tanner wanting to see her new cousin enter this world. Tanner, Hope, Brody and Auntie Kelly were playing in the swimming pool. Tanner's pain was mild and she was in good spirits. We were sitting on the couch waiting for High School Musical to come on TV and all of a sudden Brody threw up. Tanner was very concerned and helped me take him to the bath tub and she stayed in there to soothe his tummy ache.
Thursday, July 3rd 2008
This week has been a better week. The last two weeks have been full of struggles, much more than usual. I am not sure how or why this week is going better, but it is. The amount that we miss Tanner and long to hold her has not diminished. The pain some how has not consumed our every moment......this week.
I just finished reading this book about another mother who lost her child. I am not sure if I am looking for that one answer on how to live through the death of my child. To somehow find something that can take all this pain away. I know that there is no answer; there is no easy way out, no perfect way to grieve. Anyway, the author said "I have been there. At the brink of losing my mind. Unable to sleep for more than an hour or two. Unable to think of anything except what happened. I CANNOT say how I got from there to here. I cannot even say where "here" is. There are still nights when I wake up crying and I cannot get rid of the images. Yet I am here, somewhere else. But do not be fooled. Even though I am here, I know that the smallest thing...a song, a sound, a smell...can send me back there. I do not live here. I only visit. I stand always perched at the edge. I live in fear of the times when, without warning, I go there, again." It is so true!!! I am no where near being "here" yet, but I feel like some weeks I am doing well and then I am knocked on my butt and it takes me much longer to get back on my feet. As long as I keep getting back up or even helped to get back up, then one day I will get to "here" and someday live with the grief and not let it consume me.
Tanner's softball team from last year, Chris is still coaching, won as league champs. WAY TO GO MAGIC!!! Chris loves being out there with the girls. He said that this is a way for him to stay connected with girls that are Tanner's age. He likes being able to see them grow and excel at softball, as if Tanner was there doing the same. Chris brings Tanner's jersey to every game and has it hanging in the dugout. The girls on the team are so great, they brought the jersey out to the field when they were getting their medals so that a medal could be placed around Tanner's jersey as well. Thank you girls for being so great for your coach and such a wonderful friend to Tanner. We love being part of the team!!
Thank you for all the wonderful words of encouragement on the guestbook. Please continue to pray for all the great kids fighting this horrible disease.
Have a GREAT 4th of July!!!
Friday, June 27th 2008
My heart is aching constantly, it never stops. I long to hear her call to me, to hold her in my arms. When will this constant pain of losing my daughter go away? I can't even begin to fathom that I've lived almost a year without her. How does this happen? How can I have lived that long without her? It's not possible. Life should have stopped. But it didn't. It kept moving forward. I can't believe that it's been almost a year. I can't believe that it still hurts so badly. I can't believe I haven't died from the pain. Time keeps moving forward. Do I want the pain to go away? I can't imagine not missing her this much.
I want to share a portion of an email that was sent out to many other grieving parents. This is from Mitch Carmody. He is holding a presentation at The Compassionate Friends conference. His son passed away over 20 years ago from childhood cancer. Everything he says we feel over and over again.
As most of you well know losing a child is a life altering event. An experience that rocks your world, brings you to your knees, and brings you to a grief so profound, so pervasive, and so intense it seems surreal. It is impossible to be real, impossible to be happening. It tests your limits of emotions and challenges your spirit to even want to survive; how can I live with this daily pain? How can I ever smile or laugh again when I know that my child is dead? I am truly living a nightmare because the truth is unreal, too painful to accept; how can this be happening? Every morning when I open my eyes I revisit denial and my day begins like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhogs Day; the same day all over again. The fresh pain of reality stabs my heart once again and as I force myself out of bed when my eyes first open; again unwilling to accept the horror of the truth I am a bereaved dad.
Moms and dads, siblings all over the world are forced by circumstance to deal with the reality of the death of a child in the family. We are vulnerable from the moment our first cell splits and divides in the comfort of our mother's womb, until that time our heart can no longer pump its own blood; the limits of it beats per minute per year were reached and it stopped. The human heart can pump non-stop for almost a hundred years but our earth is a harsh environment and there are so many things out to get us; even our own genes can try to kill us; death can strike at any time. Our children can even end their own life; no one is immune to the possibility of losing someone you love.
In the struggle to survive the enormity of the death of a child we look for anything we can find to assuage the pain. Weeks, months, years go by and we still find ourselves looking for some end to this madness. We look for something to fill this huge void that is so pervasive in our daily life; to seek and find a sign-post that points in some direction besides destination unknown. The intense missing them so much seems to almost cripple our attempts to survive. In healing, in moving forward, we feel we are abandoning them or letting them go. It's impossible for us to say "it's okay I know that you are dead" it is not okay, it will never be okay, but we have to survive. We have to follow our path given to us and fulfill our personal destiny. We did not die; it's up to us to live.
I wanted to die when Kelly died, but I chose to live, who else would keep his memory alive? If we do not choose life, than ultimately two lives are wasted. Grieve hard, scream loud, feel every facet of your loss as long as you need to, grieve openly, express your lamentations and frustrations; you love hard, you grieve hard, it is supposed to hurt. Know that your grief will lessen as time moves on but you will always be a bereaved parent and like living with arthritis you will live with flare ups of pain the rest of your life.
Thank you for letting me share,
Marjorie
Thursday, June 19th 2008
We have been very busy around here. it is a good thing, because it gives your mind less time to think of how much we are missing our amazing little girl.
The Milestones Cure Search walk was bitter sweet. It was very hard to be there without Tanner, without the person that we have been fighting so hard for. Last year at the walk Tanner was in so much pain and could not walk. She had a hard time not having the ability to do the things that came so easy to her before. Last year we won first place with over $10,000.00 and this year we doubled our earnings! First place this year went to Team Sadie Bug with over $28,000.00 raised. The walk itself raised $218,000.00 this year. That is INCREDIBLE!!!! Thank you to Tanner's Termites for all of your support and donations to our team, YOU ROCK!
We also got to finally meet Vicki from N.Y. We felt like we knew each other because she has been such a wonderful support for our family and for Tanner. Tanner made a connection with Vicki, and I know that Vicki holds a special place in her heart for Tanner. Thank you Vicki!
There will be another Milestones Cure Search walk in Peoria, Illinois this year in September. It is the first year of their walk and they need lots of support. So PLEASE contact Jessie (my sister-in-law) at jbgrant03@hotmail.com or I at cmthb@hotmail.com if you are a family that has a child with cancer near that area or know one PLEASE email her your information. They are having a hard time with a contact for families with childhood cancer. Anything that anyone can do would be great!
After the walk we went down to Papa and Mar's house in Illinois. We went down there to spread some of Tanner's ashes in the lake behind Papa's house. Gus hand carved the sign in the picture above and put it in front of the lake. It is BEAUTIFUL!!! Thank you Gus, Tanner would love it and would be so proud that she has a lake named after her. It was very difficult for everyone. We had eight red roses that each family placed into the lake and all of us released royal blue balloons. Chris said a few words, but it was very hard for any of us to say too much. We love and miss you Tan more than anything. You are forever in our hearts.
Auntie Kelly made a slideshow from the pictures that she took from the lake. She posted it on YOU TUBE...the link is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xGjZOuEzOo. She also posted on YOU TUBE a portion of the slideshow that was played at Tanner's funeral service. The link is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmFxPOOmF7c
Thank you Auntie Kelly for putting all of the pictures together and making our memories last forever. You are the SMARTEST woman in the world!
I am not sure if I ever posted on her site that Tanner was cremated. Since we never knew where we would end up, we knew Tanner should be with us always. Her memory chest sits next to my bed on my night stand. Tanner loved so many things, but 3 things really stuck with us. One, she loved sleeping and hanging out between Chris and I. Two, she loved the beach in California. Three, she loved fishing on the lake. Tanner never shied away from touching fish or worms. So we knew that we wanted her to stay with us, but some with Papa at the lake and some at the beach in California. These were 3 of her favorite places.
My mom and my sister's family moved back to California. My mom moved a couple of weeks ago and my sister and her family moved back last Thursday. It will be hard here without them. They have all been so close over the last year, it will be a difficult adjustment. We miss them all very much!!
We enjoyed the fireworks from the Opening Day of the College World Series. Yet another first when we all remembered Tanner being with us there last year watching the fireworks. We also went to the zoo (during the World Series) again, Auntie Kelly has never been. Everyone thought we were pretty crazy but that kind of traffic is pretty normal in California.
Auntie Kelly went back to California on Monday and we will miss her very much too. We did have a wonderful two weeks with her. We can't wait to visit all of our family and friends in California this summer.
Sorry for such a long update, I will try to update more often so they don't have to be so lengthy. Please continue to pray for all those kiddos still fighting this horrible disease and for all of the families trying to live without their children. The pain is overwhelming and it does not go away. But some how our child's fight lives in us and we get through the day.
Thank you for checking on us and thank you for all of your amazing support and love for our family.
Love, the Lusk Family